Dear Readers:
Welcome to Issue 14 of Obsessions, one lesbianās obsession with the body and culture. The best things you can do right now to support my work is to āheartā the posts, promote it on Twitter, and forward my work to people you know. I would love to know in the comments: what does subversion mean to you? or how have you heard it used? As Iām not offering a subscription service right now, you can also venmo me @Renee-Greiner if you feel like paying for my snacks.
I was just listening to the podcast Recode Media and the guest journalist Kat Tenbarge called Logan Paulās vlogās on YouTube subversive. Subversive, eh? Recording the newly dead body of a man who went to kill himself in the forest is not subversive. Itās ugly and weak and perhaps a sign of antisocial personality disorder, but not subversive. And my heart broke today because Iām already in a very weak, low lying place where everything feels like a reminder that I donāt belong to this world. That wanting to be financially successful as an artist in a world that gives millions to dumb asses like Logan Paulās is just part of my cognitive dissonance. I am reminded that the host interviewing Kat Tenbarge who called Logan Paulās videos subversive is also a white man, and Iām reminded that when women and queerās like me control the media we will offer moments for better critical reflection. And we will offer these critical reflections because just like Grace and Frankie, we know wild things because of exactly who we are, not despite it.
We will say. Subversive really? Just seems to be like a parallel between how Howard Stern in the 90s used his ability to degrade women to grow millions. (And yes, Howard Stern has grown and I actually like Howard Stern now, but it bothers me to no end that we allow incredibly dehumanizing behavior from men and we allow them to grow as their money grows and we as a culture think that is beautiful in a white man).
My heart feels broken and wrapped with tennis strings that I found from an old racket from the Goodwill. The heart bulges as the tennis strings create indentions in my heart. My heart expands into these odd indented strings when it hears subversive. She asks, But do you really get to define subversive? She is curious and sad. My heart knows that if these tennis strings stay wrapped around her for many months the inorganic strings will become part of her structure and she will become a sort creature that canāt run too fast for fear that the strings wonāt allow this elasticity.
What is subversive today?
Mitt Romney openly expressing his disdain for Trump.
Using cancel culture as a moment to self-reflect on what weāve done to others we loved.
Refusing to engage in conversations that blame the Mother for everything. Or allowing yourself a whole day a week away from your family to work on your art.
Creating access to your healing work by offering a price structure that acknowledges current oppressive systems.
Having a very motherf****** clear answer about why your charge $200/hour to do therapy that reflects a deep understanding of intersectional oppression.
Paying every single musician on stage when you put a one night call on Patreon.
Having boundaries.
My heart has been so tightly wrapped. I feel like a failure and when I listen to some of my favorite podcasts, I hear women and non-binary folxs hovering around 30 years old worrying about how behind they are. And I know a couple of things. You will have to fight tooth and nail to love yourself if you are female passing because the white supremacist patriarchal structure is cruel. And I refuse to believe that it is not possible for a woman well beyond thirty or forty or sixty to offer something magical up to the world, and something that can be recognized. I refuse because that is what it is to be motherf****** subversive. You believe that you are worthy even though the dry old structures that be say that you are not.
Thanks for reading lovelies. This one was hard to write because I had to crawl through the mindfield going off in my mind. I hope you are well and you are finding the poems and the tools that comfort you.
Yours in art,
Renee